Should You Use the Same Rules for Picking Friends and Romantic Partners?
Short answer:
You should.
In the same way, you wouldn’t just date someone because they have cute shoes and laugh at your jokes, you shouldn’t let someone into your inner circle just because they text you back fast or also like Bravo.
But here’s the real deal...
Most of us are way too casual about who we let into our lives. We vet romantic partners like we’re hiring a CEO, then let a friend with the emotional intelligence of a rock hang around for ten years because “we’ve just been friends forever.” Time served is not a qualification. Let me show you how I clean house.
Hi, friends!
I had an actual identity crisis over a group chat.
Not even a dramatic one. Just the kind where you see your name pop up, open it... and feel this quiet, soul-sucking sense of ugh. That’s when it hit me: I was still giving my energy to people who wouldn’t get the job if I was hiring for “Friend of the Year.”
So, here’s my question for you: Would you date your friends? Would you choose them again, on purpose, today?
If the answer is no, let’s talk about it. This one’s for anyone who’s outgrown high school or college friendships, said yes to too many brunches they hated, or is tired of friendships that feel more like PR obligations than emotional support.
Why This Matters
Friendships make or break the quality of your life just as much as your romantic relationship. Sometimes more.
You know those studies about how social connection is one of the top predictors of longevity? They’re not talking about how many followers you have. They’re talking about how good your relationships actually are. Including the non-sexy, platonic ones.
Most of us don’t pick our friends with half the intentionality we pick a partner. We fall into friendships out of proximity, convenience, or trauma bonding... and then stay out of guilt, routine, or “I don’t want to be mean.”
Meanwhile, your peace is being held hostage by someone who thinks attendance is a love language.
The Relationship Standard Checklist (For Friends, Too)
Let’s put your friendships through the same lens you use for dating. Here’s the checklist:
✅ They support your growth (not just tolerate it)
A real friend doesn’t get weird when you’re doing better. If someone’s energy shifts when you’re glowing, when you’re getting wins, or when you’re finally happy after crying on their couch for months? No. That’s not support. That’s competition dressed up in a hug.
✅ They make you feel safe
This one’s huge. Would you go on a second date with someone who low-key embarrassed you in front of people or twisted your words later to make themselves look better? Nope. So why would you keep a friend around who throws shade, spills your secrets, or plays “I’m just joking” mind games?
✅ Your values align
You don’t have to agree on everything, but basic alignment matters. Are they okay with the fact you want to build an empire or are they still living in "high school reunion fantasy land" or "I'm fine, everything's fine, I'm content wasteland?"
Values don’t have to match perfectly. But if someone makes you feel “too much,” “too sensitive,” or “too ambitious,” they don’t value the real you. You deserve people who do.
✅ They want you to win
A good friend claps loudly. They tell you when you’re being weird and when you’re being wonderful. They root for you. They send job leads. They repost your new blog. They remind you who you are when you forget. They want you to win, even if they’re still figuring it out themselves.
Why We Settle (And How to Stop)
We’ve been conditioned to think friendship is a loyalty thing. But it’s not loyalty if it’s just obligation. That’s martyrdom.
We stay because:
“We’ve been friends for so long...”
“She was there for me when…”
“I don’t want to start drama…”
You can honor the past and let people go. You can love someone and not let them into your front-row seats anymore. You can have gratitude for what they gave you without letting them drain you for the next decade.
My Own Friendship Audit
A few years ago, I had a friend who was fun, hilarious, and always around... until life got serious. When I started leveling up — therapy, boundaries, less gossip, more intentionality — instead of being the group chat basket case, she checked out emotionally and checked in with everyone except me.
And I kept trying. I kept pretending it was fine. Until one day, I realized thinking back on 2023-2024… Kinda funny how I lost 50 pounds, got engaged, started my own business, and started healing from my grief and life problems, and suddenly all the long-time friends I was spending that time on before just… disappeared from my life when it was finally time to celebrate me instead of them… if they were a boyfriend, everyone would be screaming DUMP HIM in the comments.
That’s when I created my own little checklist. I call it “Would I Choose You Again Today?”
Do I feel energized or depleted after I talk to you?
Do you cheer for me when I’m not in the room?
Are you here for the real me, not just the “fun” version?
Do I just exist to make them feel better about themselves?
Spoiler: I stopped texting them. We didn’t have a dramatic friendship breakup, we just stopped feeding something that had expired. I still wish her well. But I don’t keep her in my inner circle. Protecting your peace is a form of self-respect.
What Healthy Friendship Actually Looks Like
Let’s talk green flags:
They don’t freak out when you have boundaries.
They’re not weird when you change. In fact, they expect you to.
They don't talk badly about you behind your back.
If You’re Feeling Lonely Right Now
You know, cutting off dead weight truly opens up space in your life. I get it, in the moment, it feels more like a social funeral than a fresh start. It’s tough to let go of friendships that once felt solid but have since faded.
I’ve learned that every time I’ve walked away from a friendship that no longer served me, something incredible comes my way. I’m talking about those real, authentic connections, the kind where you can share a deep-belly laugh until you cry, or have conversations that linger long after they’re over.
If you find yourself in that awkward in-between phase right now, please don’t rush to fill that space with just anyone who doesn’t truly see or appreciate you. Instead, use this time to focus on what brings you peace. Dive into some great books, take soothing long walks, or even treat yourself to therapy if you feel it could help. Make Pinterest boards filled with all the inspiration your heart desires! Connect with people who you can be your true self with, surrounded by those who get you and lift you up.
Trust me, new friends are on their way. They’re the kind that will feel like home rather than just another temporary house guest. So, embrace this journey, and know that better connections are just around the corner waiting for you to discover.
TLDR: Friendship is Relationship Work
Choose your friends with the same standards as romantic partners.
Be intentional. Audit regularly.
If someone wouldn’t pass your dating filter, they don’t get bestie access either.
Letting go isn’t mean. It’s necessary.
You are not “too picky” — you’re allowed to want people who feel good to be around.
Are You Settling in Your Friendships?
Have you ever had to “break up” with a friend? Are you in the friendship gray zone right now? Or maybe you’ve built a bomb inner circle and want to share how? Tell me in the comments. I want to hear the tea and the triumph.
And if this post hits home, send it to the friend who does make you feel safe. The one who’s been riding with you through all your glow-ups, meltdowns, and grocery list rants.
PS: If you’re looking for monthly inspo, real talk, and wellness/lifestyle content that doesn’t feel like a boring lecture, sign up for my free newsletter! ✨
